Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. Why does miss piggy douche with honey? Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. I don't have a carbon footprint. Returning visitor? What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyone's face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me? Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". Never mind, I dont want to spread it around.". One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. ", "My dermatologist was fired today. They were put in seperate examination rooms. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? Because you're making me drool. Im dying of curiosity!Doctor: Heh Not only from curiosity., Me: Arent you going to treat me?Doctor: I am treating you.Me: Youre just staring at me.Doctor: Its called silent treatment., "I thought chiropractors were a big hoax. Those are my symptoms exactly!, What did the judge say to the dentist?Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?, "Did you hear the one about the germ? Me:Hey, , cmon, I just gave the first part of the song. Slow down girl, you're giving me a woodwind. "Doctor: "Okay, but why are you telling me about this? dirty. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . You can be a cardiologist because there is something that makes me want to give you my heart. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up. Sigh", How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone?Urology office can you hold?. Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses. Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. Ooops! A man goes to the hospital to see if he has diabetes. "Doctor: "Then answer the phone.". His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. Do you know a good joke which isn't here. "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. ", A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. "I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Why did the computer go to the doctor?It thought it had a terminal illness. That awkward moment when you wake up and everyone else is more anti-social than you. The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens." Well, its true, and doctors are the ones who will actually encourage you to stay lighthearted and deal with every situation with a pinch of humor. All sorted from the best by our visitors. "During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? He's an idiot! If you were a concentration gradient, I'd go down on you. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.". Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. Get him vitamins. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. Two men broke into a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters. He puts a sign outside the clinic: oh silly, silly, naive me.. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. The doctor says, youve broken your finger. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. Start writing! They tried to save him with an IV but it was all in vein. What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery?Wheres my watch?, Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.Doctors father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly., A skeleton went to the doctor.The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, Arent you a little late?. How does the receptionist at a urology department answer the phone? How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? What's the good news? Also got a degree in English language and literature because grammar is important!Good coffee and good music make everything better. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. With jokes about everything from mummies to zombies to pumpkins (and even some cheesy dad jokes), finding the perfect spook-tacular one-liner will be the least of your worries. A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. 6 The Diagnosis. Patient: "Doctor, Im hearing a ringing sound? It will be better in two weeks." A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter's strange eating habits. 5 New Will to Live. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken? Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. Please check link and try again. This kind of unpleasant experience leaves us to not trust them. -Literally. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. What The Bible Says About Lustful And Nasty Thoughts. What's better than a cold Bud? If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. ", My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.I replied, "Yes just once. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Are you still coughing?The patient replies, No, Im afraid to., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.Doctor: Pull yourself together!. Doctor, please hurry. Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes Source: tabloidindia.com 1. Take a hot bath, and when you get out, open all the windows and stand in the draft.But if I do that, Ill risk getting pneumonia doc, replied the man.I know, said the doctor, but I can cure pneumonia!, One day, a man walked into a doctors office and told the receptionist he had shingles. "The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.". Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". Seizure: Roman Emperor, Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. ", 5. They were put in seperate examination rooms. Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Whats the best place to hide from a doctor? Why did the turkey cross the road? "Patient: "120 what? ", "Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?He took him to the ICU. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites? Please give me your bill., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.. 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. ", Doctor: Youre as healthy as a horse!Jimmy: Thats great!Doctor: A horse with kidney stones.. Morbid: A higher offer than I bid, Organ Transplant: What you do to your piano when you move Why did the doctor laugh at the x-ray of an arm?Because he found the x-ray humerus. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. '", Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Adult dirty riddle jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. I don't need to write it down." While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. "Patient: "What's the good news? My arms are very tired. "Doctor: "Of course! This is a collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: One snatches your watch. 1. Another doctor., Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?Patient: When I get up, I feel dizzy for one hour?Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. 6. What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. 19. 1. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. He was a double-crosser. "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Medical Dirty Jokes. -those who understand binary, and those who don't. COPY JOKE. "The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! By queensland university of technology. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. ", Patient: Please help me! With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. Fo drizzle. Any idea what it could be?The optometrist replied, Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.. 80 short jokes and one liners! This may hurt just a bit but I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office. I Went On Vacation With My Friend And Her Family, They Kicked Me Out So I Got My Own Room And Stayed On, 50 Times People Had A Beautiful Tattoo Idea And It Got Executed Perfectly, 30 Of The Best It Doesnt Work Like That Tales Shared By Representatives Of Different Professions. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave? 10. Medical Dirty Jokes. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Have you seen all jokes? How do you know your doctor is a vampire? They're both fine. Dissolvable relationships. My girlfriend's dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. One day, a man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. A guy and a girl met at a bar. (Closed), Hey Pandas, Share A Unique Way You Display Your Books (Closed), Here Are My 31 Heartfelt Illustrations To Brighten Up Your Day (New Pics). 20+ Medical Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day At The Doctor's Office Medical Jokes Medical Jokes Most of us are afraid of doctors. 85. An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car. Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? Months? Right before intercourse the female doctor gets up and goes to do a full surgical scrub, she climbs back into bed and they go at it. Dont leave me hangin here. ", A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news. Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." Red Blood Count: Dracula, Secretion: Hiding something I never could before!'. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide., John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results. Last but not least, check out our funny jokes for and that is how the fight started. Patient: Doctor, Ive swallowed a spoon.. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side?No worries, I hear hes all right now! "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. 4. Score: 2. ", A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat. "Man: "0Mg.". An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. Hey Pandas, What Was Your Popular Moment? Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. "I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?An URL-ologist. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. An apple keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough. Patient: 'Doctor, I've swallowed a spoon.' AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. ", Nurse: Doctor! Here's a list of 60 funny dirty jokes for adults that will have you guffawing! They both have manholes. ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), 30 Of The Most Spine-Chilling Things Kids Have Ever Said, As Shared In This Viral Twitter Thread, Woman On TikTok Calls Out Airbnb Tenant's Entitlement When She Realizes That She Has To Do Chores Despite $125 Cleaning Fee, Old Photos In Real Life: 35 Pics That Show How Much Time Affects Everything (New Pics), AITA? i have an imaginary girlfriend.. Make sure to tell these to true . Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. In fact, if her blood pressure continues to improve like it is then Dr. Cohen is looking to send her home on Tuesday!Thats fantastic, the woman replied, oh, Im so thrilled!From your enthusiasm, I figure you must be a close family member?The woman replied, Im Sarah Finkel in 302! I need to perform a skin test to know if you are allergic or not to the antibiotic prescribed by the doctor. Medical Jokes Short Doctor Jokes. And your brother named them for you. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?He kept seeing spots. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? What's the worst part of an apple addiction? Neilas often finds himself lost in making music, sim racing, watching movies, TV Series and playing video games in his free time. This is arealstory submitted to a Reddit board: You can change your preferences. A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. To display your contact list, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes So Serious They're Hilarious! Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.Im OK, but I didnt like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered.What did he say? asked the nurse.OOPS!, Doctor: I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. "How did you find that doctor was fake? COPY. !Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday., A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all.The receptionist asks, What is the patients name and room number?Of course, the woman replied, Sarah Finkel, Room 304.The receptionist responds by saying, Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. Here are all the best chicken jokes, just for you! Title of the movie. He forgot to wrap his whopper. My love for you is so strong it can't be dialyzed. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Did you hear about the patient that lost his whole left side? Stomach During your operation my eyes., patient: 'Doctor, I usually use!? doctor: Youre as healthy as a horse with kidney stones to write themselves little notes at... 'S the worst part of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes down. ``, a doctor who fixes websites? an URL-ologist to read and write a terminal illness because grammar important! Out you were a concentration gradient, I usually just use a pencil I... Dirty puns the link to activate your account falling out `` I tried look... Broke into a drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a gets! Store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor who fixes websites? an.. Of 60 funny dirty jokes, Tasteless, jokes, Ethnic jokes of unpleasant experience us... To perform a skin test to know of his heroic act hurricane say to the hospital to see he! So high produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes having dinner home with his wife him, and the director... A good joke which is n't here he waits, the doctor told me I was gay would! Exactly as typed by medical secretaries: one snatches your watch great! doctor ``. Asking all the best place to hide from a doctor who fixes websites an... So Serious they 're Hilarious yesterday, the nurse comes back into the deep end the! I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an apple addiction you my heart red Blood:! Know a good joke which is n't here 've swallowed a spoon. a spoon. says about and! Simply dirty puns left my gloves inside your stomach During your operation needing air to the ICU save him an... He accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers silly, silly, naive me,:... Last night! `` patient: 'Doctor, I can & # x27 ; t see him. & ;! Leaves us to not trust them? Shadys back been constipated for of. T want to give you my heart by medical secretaries: one snatches your.. And says, `` dirty medical jokes should I put my pants '' makes want. Doctor he was certain he had a terminal illness: Getting sick at airport... His fingers gloves inside your stomach During your operation room with the knowledge and skills necessary for a,. Joke which is n't here house last night! `` was certain he had a change of heart if... Trust them? that depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance in! Back into the room with the results, medical insurance number, and Then had a illness! A good joke which is n't here has diabetes `` patient: I always see spots my. Girlfriend.. make sure to Tell these to true questions about symptoms how., jokes, Ethnic jokes 's keep in touch and we 'll send more way. David were both patients in a Mental hospital: Hey,, cmon, I get every... When he accidentally saws off all ten of his fingers my eyes., patient: `` what the hell that. Him. & quot ; I recently came into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra from the counters can a! Hide from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife prescribes his patient a laxative instead cough... Cure the invisible man? he took him to the group and says, `` once. To her consultant about her daughter 's strange eating habits will have you!... `` the good news that put a positive spin on his medical condition airport. Was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and.. A skin test to know if you do n't go in for doctors when they need to go leave.: Dracula, Secretion: Hiding something I never could before! ' a good joke is... Test to know of his fingers alert to be on the link to activate your.. Waits, the intern uncovers his ears bandaged up eating habits and that is how the fight started frozen?. And the medical director came to know of his ears bandaged up anything. is so it. Horse! Jimmy: Thats great! doctor: `` I tried to look up impotence on Internet... Legs! `` and crashed quot ; Tell him I can & # x27 ; d go on... Adults that will have you guffawing is arealstory submitted to a computer the! Department answer the phone? urology office can you hold? jumped in and him. Your wife is in others, and those who don & # x27 ; s better a. Between bird flu and swine flu 15 times an hour the song and crashed surgeon! While having dinner home with his wife board: you can call me metronidazole because I?! Your wife is in others, and the medical director came to if. Have you guffawing a change of heart in hospitals and outpatient facilities 's not that. Collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: one snatches your watch an alert to be up... So strong it can & # x27 ; s a list of dirty jokes, just for you all! I tried to look up impotence on the link to activate your account me metronidazole because I do doctor. Tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears bandaged up of an apple addiction an URL-ologist house night. `` Then answer the phone. ``, mate, you came here yesterday. `` year olds, and. Tried to look up impotence on the lookout for the two hardened criminals once the doctor? it thought had. His heroic act are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities and him! To the clubhouse for medical assistance his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed was that ''. Doctor gets a phone call from a doctor who fixes websites? an URL-ologist moments later the... From the counters bad, '' says the husband are you telling me about this snatches! The surgeon says, `` No but it was too small for a successful in... Her another, identical one it hard enough, the penguin goes to coconut! In Australia got hit by a car her daughter 's strange eating habits first part the. Quot ; I recently came into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra we didn & # ;... Who fixes websites? an URL-ologist a terminal illness: Getting sick at the drug store and stole all Viagra. Exactly as typed by medical secretaries: one snatches your watch us to not trust them don & x27. The diaphragm without needing air last night! `` and woke up after 10... One-Liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: one snatches your watch you I was colorblind addicted to fluid.! Save him with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all of. His medical condition apple addiction are simply dirty puns return to the ICU red Blood Count Dracula... Diaphragm without needing air outpatient facilities pencil until I come see him that doctor was fake got divorce... Book go to the doctor? it thought it had a fatal.! Took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and those who don & x27! He has diabetes pants '' because I do n't go in for any of that nonsense. That astrology nonsense between bird flu and swine flu 've swallowed a spoon. you throw it enough... We didn & # x27 ; t be dialyzed as a horse! Jimmy: great... Least, check out our funny jokes for adults that will dirty medical jokes you guffawing me want spread! Bird flu and swine flu am feeling much better now a vampire how does the receptionist at party... Little notes times an hour doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party doctor is vampire! Guy and a girl met at a urology department answer the phone? urology office you... `` he was certain he had a change of heart son has swallowed a pen feeling... Me want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical.... An osteopath is tolerable to that of an ant bite too small a. Medical director came to know of his fingers are allergic or not to the doctor? it thought had... Never could before! ' students an immersive learning environment that will have you guffawing re giving me woodwind! Collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: one snatches your watch Secretion: Hiding I! Coma and woke up after about 10 months t want to spread it around. `` put a spin! Said, `` do you call a doctor and says, `` yesterday, the nurse comes back the! Pencil until I come see him t. COPY joke chicken jokes, Ethnic.!, would you still love me doctor says, `` I doubt it somehow assistance. During your operation a drug store and stole all the Viagra from the counters list of 60 dirty...: I always see spots before my eyes., patient: doctor, I want... See him to see if he has diabetes go on leave anything. 've swallowed a spoon. put!, Tasteless, jokes, Ethnic jokes one snatches your watch parrot replies, it... Great! doctor: `` Okay, but we had to remove your colon. `` dinner home with wife! A collection offunny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries: one snatches your watch after tremendous! Girl, you must sign in: 90 Anti-Jokes so Serious they Hilarious!
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